My fair warning, if you are not a fan of God, maybe stop reading, 'cause my ramble is mostly about Wednesday through this morning when a little faith was restored...in people.
On Tuesday, I rode my bike right into a couple of the high school boys who will be the youngest in Ironman Hawaii this October. We got to talking story about the race and the "bigger picture", which of course lead to Philippines 70.3 and how I always see God there, peeking through the faces of the children. Pretty sure I have them convinced to sign up next year! Anyways, that lead to other stuff, like Keoni's mission trip to South Africa, appreciation, respect, faith, love, life... you know, nice things. Then we planned to meet up in the morning after my run, I wanted to join them on their first ever 2.4 Iron Buoy swim. (I'm so proud of these 18 year olds!!)
I'd been arm wrestling God lately. Maybe just not being a good listener, or forgetting to trust. I don't listen or speak. I argue. I run away, I ignore. It's been annoying for a girl who fell hard for God and let go of all doubts, but after a bunch of moments where you just don't understand why life happens the way it does, you just sort of...arm wrestle. Anyways, that lead me to just being brave all on my own, trusting myself, figuring life out on my own, super independent, push people away so I wouldn't get hurt, give and give but never ever expect anything in return (not even good stuff), it was weird. And dangerous...it is never safe to rely on yourself, bad move. Selfish place to be, unsafe even if it feels safe.
So where is this going? Wednesday afternoon, Kainoa grabbed my board and paddled out into some fun size waves. He was ripping it up, I was so proud, it was incredible. But then a big wave came, threw him just in front of the reef (see above) and he was just about to glide across the shelf, right into a very harmful situation. Like any mom would do, I stood up, wanting to run and rescue, but watched calm as I could, giving him a moment to try and escape danger on his own. He screamed, had the look of terror, then he takes off paddling parallel to the reef with a smile.
He comes to shore, hugs me, then goes and plays in the water with his cousins. I tell him how proud I was of the waves he caught and asked if he is okay, he just smiled. Later that night, his dad meets us at the swimming pool to pick him up for pizza. He was telling his dad all about the surf, his dad asked how he avoided the reef. Kainoa said he didn't want to tell his dad (he freaks about God stuff with his dad), he then said he was ready to tell me. So he grabbed my hand, pulled me close, whispered in my ear, "Mom, I just prayed God would help me, and he did, don't tell dad".
I thought about that all night. Children are awesome how they just trust, believe, and hold this big faith (in God and/or people), that it's all good. It's painstakingly annoying to me, how as we grow up we let go of all that childlike faith, hope, and belief in God or people just because bad things happen. Wednesday was good like that, I needed that, to have Kainoa remind me to never let go of what I believe, even if big waves crash me into reefs...
Yesterday was a little more encouraging on my mission to restore my faith. I rode bike, really far. Every long ride somehow lands me at a church. Maybe it's just because our island is covered with a church on every block, cute little ones, or maybe my brain needs constant reminders. 118 miles went really well, really strong, really focused...goals feel closer.
Now this gets a little more personal...
When I was 13 I wrote a love letter to my future husband, I know, crazy. I still have it. I decided on that day to pray for him every single day of his life. Old news, yeah I am divorced and I wrestled with love, very much, gave up all together on people really holding strong together, but then I lost a lot of my happiness. Its weird how that works, when you live in such a way you let go of what you believe to be true, you lose your happy. SO I decided to believe all over again in a second chance. Now I'm getting off track, but I got off track and this morning Masuda got me back on track.
After swim practice I was still so confused on some things, on second chances, having that solid faith in peoples intentions. And you know what he told me, he said how is it I believe in God with all things I wrestle with in life, things not understood and sour. I of course said, how could I not, even when its horrible and I feel let down or whatever, I see Kainoa, I see flowers bloom, sunsets, a big list of things that reflect what I believed when my faith was awesome as Kainoa's. Then he told me, people are like that too. If you look around, they also leave you reflections that they are still right there, still with you, even if they aren't reminding you with an easy life. (Bet I have you so confused). My point is, there are so many amazing people in this life and somehow, no matter how hard moments with people, life, or God become, it is always better to believe as if we are children who never have been hurt, like the kids who always see the bright side.