Monday, November 17, 2008

My Reality...


Phewwwwww.... I can breathe again!

The days Kainoa is at his daddy's house are the LONGEST days of my life! Feels like I am holding my breath waiting for my turn!!! Never knew loving someone could totally take your breath away like that...

To make it through the days I have to plan long hikes, full day surf adventures, beg coach to let me ride my bike ALL DAY LONG, anything to not be home alone! I am just not good at this yet, but it is getting easier...

The first few nights I had to sleep with a night light (yes, a good friend actually sent me 14 night lights!!). It was my first time ever being home alone. I went from my parents home to college dorm life to a host family in Costa Rica to a roommate in Hawaii to life with Jim... this alone thing had me in new territory. I am on week 5. I can sleep without a night light now, I don't have to check under my bed and in the closet for monsters before falling asleep, and I clean all my own messes! (Yes, I still leave my Asics and Splish suits everywhere...)

The blessing in it all is that Jim and I are still friends and our biggest desire is to love Kainoa and make sure he knows he is loved. BUT today, after a few days with daddy... it was my turn to have him at mommy's house!!!

First stop. Jamba Juice! We have been hanging there "mother and son" bonding since he was 6months old. Then to the beach. No day in Hawaii is complete without a little time at the beach. And of course we wrapped up the day with inviting Auntie Brooke over for chocolate milk and tea... then we read the Ricky Martin book (that is not a joke... my son loves it!). Maybe because he laughs when mommy tries to sing old Menudo songs!

Now my little son is sleeping. Precious. And this mommy feels complete...

I thought having a baby made an Ironman easy... but I changed my mind... having to pick up pieces of a broken heart makes an Ironman seem easy...


Life is not always easy. BUT life is still good...

.

46 comments:

D said...

I can not only make a great roommate, but I replace temporarily missing children quite well too. :D

I LOVE YOU!

kerrie said...

so glad to hear that you are hanging in there - i was worried! you are one strong mama :)

rr said...

Hey Weeeee.. I know it's hard, but I know how smiley you are lately too. No doubt it will take a while, but you guys will make it all work out and continue to be awesome parents to Kainoa! Glad you can sleep without the night light now! xo -rach

Maggs said...

Tell me the next day you need some company and I'll fly over and hike...i'll bring the marshmallows :-)

MJ said...

Obviously this is (and has been) a very tough time.... I am wishing for nothing but peaceful, happy times for all three of you.

It really sounds like your attitude will ensure that though....

ADC said...

What an amazing attitude you have. I really had no idea but am so glad that you are OK. Lots of hugs coming your way :-)

Beth said...

Thinking of you Bree! I can't imagine how hard it is but I know you will make it work. You are a strong woman and mother. Your attitude it amazing! Many prayers!

UntPawGal02 said...

Bree... hoping that all stays well :) You are strong and can ger through it :)

Kona Shelley said...

I'm sorry Bree..I had no idea this was going on. I will be facing my own "reality" soon too..sigh...can I come to Hawaii and hang out with the dolphins too? :-))

Kate Weaver said...

You can read my mind!! It's too quiet around my house when my kids are at their Dad's house...sucks. I'm lucky that I am able to spend those days with Marcus otherwise I would be a basket case. You are doing great...you are dealing with everyting the best way you know how so be proud. It will be a long road at times but remember who is always waiting for you and will love you no matter what!!!

Cricket said...

One day at a time...Just like when you first started training for a triathlon... I am so proud of your attitude- I can hear smiles in your blog. Remember God is just pruning you right now and making you stronger. Like a rose bush that is cut back after its season but then blooms even more beautiful the next!

beth said...

bree! i'm so glad you have little K and your family out there to keep you company..living alone is an interesting thing- but you will learn to LOVE it (then it will be hard to live with someone again!)...

have fun with your little man!

beth said...

bree! i'm so glad you have little K and your family out there to keep you company..living alone is an interesting thing- but you will learn to LOVE it (then it will be hard to live with someone again!)...

have fun with your little man!

Mel said...

BREE...you are so beautiful and strong.....I act strong but not quite there yet, but can totally relate on how you feel as I am sure my wake up call is coming soon! There are so many of us going through the same shit....but then there are people like you and Kate that will write about it and help us (non writers) learn how to deal and make it seem more managable and not alone,so thank you:)

ShirleyPerly said...

Oh my, I had no idea. But it's great to hear that you & Jim are still friends and you both have Kainoa's best interests at heart. Life's bed of roses can have many thorns but I'm confident you will still find its beauty. You are one of the strongest women I've ever met!

Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said...

I'm in awe of your bravery and amazing outlook on life. Thank you for sharing your story...you give me hope for each day no matter what challenges await me.

Your son has the best mom ever!

Kellye Mills said...

I know that must be tough. Relationships are so hard whether you are married, or its your mom, or whomever. I think it is so important that you and Jim do stay friends for Kainoa. The two of you are his most favorite people, and for you to get along, whether it be together or seperately is his biggest wish. So I think you are doing a really wonderful job! It is obvious that you are a terrific mother! So always rely on that fact to get you through and never doubt it, because you truly are!

PJ said...

Sorry you're going through tough times, Bree, but I'm confident you'll come through this stronger and happier than ever.

And Kainoa is lucky to have a great mom!

Lisa G said...

Bree, you have an amazing positive attitude and outlook on life and Kainoa is lucky to have you as a mom! Hang in there and take care of yourself!

Charisa said...

You honesty and good attitude are awesome. You have a wonderful little boy and I'm so happy you can spend time with him! Take care of yourself too - things will begin to look up.

Pedergraham said...

I love Cricket's analogy of pruning the rose bush. Keep that chin up.

Stef said...

Take good care Bree. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Ange said...

have been worried about you Bree and this new situation for you. I hope your heart heals...you little boy is absolutely the key to this. YOu are a strong beautiful passionate woman. Great things are ahead for you. I'm sure of it. Kainoa is absolutely a doll. As a Mom of boys, can I recommend you keep a "journal" of things he says? So so fun to look back on...they grow so fast. (works for girls too, just thinking abotu boys.)

Runner Leana said...

Bree, I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough for you right now. You are such a great and strong role model for Kainoa. He's such a lucky guy to have you for his mom. All the best, and hoping for nothing but happiness for you ahead.

Roo said...

You are awesome and that little guy is lucky to have such a great mom! Anytime you want you can come and visit, but Charisa and I will make you play Rock Band!

Wes said...

It just tears at my heart strings when friends, even bloggy friends have such difficulties in life... I'm glad that you are looking at things in such a positive way!! We know you'll tackle life's challenges with the same Bree gusto we have become accustomed to!

Incidently, every time your pic comes up on facebook, I want to tell you, "Stop kissing fishes!" ROFL!!!!

Leah said...

Sending good thoughts your way. Your little guy is lucky to have a mom like you.

Sarah said...

Oh, I hate being the 27th commenter because everybody already said so many great things. But, like I said in my email, I really believe in your strength and attitude. You are such a fantastically strong person, Bree, and I know you will come out even better on the other side.

Like Beth said, soon you'll love living alone...;)

You guys are doing the right thing - the most important thing is little K knows his parents still love the heck out of him. So you're already succeeding right there!

One day at a time, Bree...just like training. :)

CJ said...

I am going thru the same stuff.. Keeping yourself busy is very important on those days when the kids are away!! And it does make you appreciate the time you have with them more.. It seems like you and Jim are doing a great job of making sure Kainoa knows that you both love him.. Keep up your great attitude!!

Marni said...

Bree if you ever need anything, I'm here to help. You are a very strong woman and don't ever stop enjoying life. You only have one.
-marn

Coach Liz said...

It sounds like each day gets a little better and with a sunny smile and big blue eyes to look forward to, it makes the wait worth it. Use your time together to explore and learn new things. Soon, he will be teaching you so much about life. Boys are wonderful!

Maijaleena said...

Hi Bree,

I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for you having a child involved. Hang tough and know that you are strong and everything works out for the best and that you have to do what is best for you.

I am going through a divorce right now, but am 'lucky' with respect to the fact that we don't have kids. I am learning what it is like to be alone. Learning who I am and to love myself and to learn from my past.

Best wishes.

tinaparker87 said...

You are a great mom (well, from what I read and see when I get to do Lavaman!) Our boys are the best thing in life. You do hold your breath when you are not with them and want to hang on when they are in your reach or keep cuddling because you can hear them breath. It makes you feel happy! Thomas is now 7 and really it is the only thing that makes the world feel peaceful when you are trying to work, maintain the house, train and keep relationships together. Sorry on your own sucks, but don't over train you still have lots of races! All the best.

Biff Carbon said...

Big time sorry to hear. Saw hints but really wanted to believe otherwise.

Amazing how following your training and racing, cheering on the season you let us watch, makes a lot of us care for you. I'm sure there's a ton of folks wishing you, regardless of whatever tomorrows reality is, adaptation that is kind, forgiving, and full of laughter.

Looks like Special K has that last one dialed in...

Jennifer Harrison said...

Bree:
I have been wondering about how you are doing and thinking of you ....and K....sounds like you are doing "OK" considering. Be TRUE to yourself and K......you have a ton of supporters who love and support you no matter what!
Jen H. :)

Kiet said...

Yo Bree, I know it may be hard to take this advice now but try to enjoy whatever state and circumstance you are in because as we all know, nothing is permanent in life. Let's see here, you're a pro triathlete, a kick ass surfer, blonde, blue-eyed, rocking fit body, and single. Damn you're gonna get some numbers flying at ya. Enjoy the freedom that comes with being single cuz I'm sure it ain't gonna be that way for long. Go easy on yourself and thanks for the candor in your blog. Rock on Bree!

Mer! said...

Bree, just wanted to reiterate what everyone on here has already pointed out =0....

You're taking time to smell the roses and creating some amazing memories with Kainoa...you're weathering the storm and you'll come out even stronger.

Hugs and much support....
Mer

Bruce said...

Marriage isn't easy, but it's still better than any alternative, for all the parties concerned. I don't think your's was a mistake. We all have our doubts at times. God can work wonders in difficult situations.

Bruce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelly B. said...

Bree...promise I am not a crazed fan stalking you but could not let this one pass without commenting...your boy is a treasure!! Simply a treasure! Little boys are SO much FUN!! Wishing you the best, looks like you are an amazing mom AND triathlete. Please love that little guy to pieces!!

Jennifer Cunnane said...

Hang in there, you will make it.... it is never easy but given how tough you are I think you will make it look a lot easier than it really is!

Eileen Swanson said...

SMILE Bree even through these tough times. You know how I feel about all of this and you already know you are always welcome here!!

XO,
E

TriT said...

Hang in there Bree! One day at a time, things will get easier :) Stay positive and stay strong!Enjoy precious time with your little man, that will help you get through. Little boys are the greatest of treasures~

~Sending happy thoughts your way~

"May your life be filled with beautiful sunsets, great waves and sand between your toes."

Shan said...

Sending lots of love your way! Despite the hard times, you know that life is beautiful, and Kainoa is evidence of that! Keep that chin up, and remember that all of us are here for you!!

Shawn and Tracy said...

You are something Bree, something impressive. Great mom and athlete, who tells us like it is. Hugs to you and if you need to get away you and you little boy are always welcome here. I took this from a friends blog but it really hit home for me today and thought I should share..."We tend to celebrate risk only after it has led to great things, which means we rarely celebrate the risk-takers who haven't yet been rewarded for their efforts. The paradox here is that we are often unwilling to embrace ambition and originality until it is safe to do so - in short, we're unwilling to take risks ourselves." :-)
Tracy

Jenna said...

Hmm... so much I could say to you but picking up those pieces of a broken heart is a job that will take time and healing. And, the funny thing is you may gather all the peices again but be unable to put it back the way it was... when you find yourself there promise me that you will take the time to do the best you can with what you have and look forward to celebrate the wonderful things that have come into your life (like your great little boy) even though your heart was broken. You will gain strength you never knew you had... you will feel sadness more profound than you thought you could feel... and you will feel joy more explosive than ever because you have gained the perspective to savour all of life's sweetest moments. A small child's hand holding yours, sleeping eyelashes, time alone but content, the morning sun, the sound of the rain and so on and on... Take care!! From one single mommy to another!