Friday, December 25, 2009

No Llorando...

Merry Christmas from Nicaragua. I’ve been wondering what to write about the Christmas we shared with the children of el campo. Usually putting thoughts on paper comes easy for me, in this moment translating feelings to thoughts to words is near impossible. It all gets lost in translation from heart to head.
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The moment the van started down a silent, empty dirt road I knew there would be little to see, if anything. With sights on the first child my heart began to beat as if I were on the start line of a race. Full of excitement to give, eager to experience, and curiosity of the outcome. Within moments of arrival my eyes met the eyes of a 7 year old boy. His were brown but they had this look of hope in a world of little opportunity. We stared for a few breaths, me thinking only of Kainoa and how thankful I am my child has the world at his feet and more opportunities then most children will ever know. Then my heart got sad as I missed him so much, his little laugh, his little hand the way it holds mine, and the way he says, “mom I love you”. I was missing everything about him.
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The young boy with deep brown eyes was trying to figure me out. The next thing I knew we both had tears rolling down our cheeks in a moment of silent staring. I wished in that moment to hold him and promise him everything was going to be okay. I wished to tell him that there would always be a roof over his head and food on the table, but those were promises I couldn’t make to him. I wished I could take him home to be Kainoas big brother and my second son. I wanted so much to give him the world and love that I am able to share with Kainoa, I wished all of those children would get to feel that in their lives.
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The day never got easier. The pinata, the drinks, the gifts were all well received. A lot of thankfulness was reciprecated. However, all that stuff could never top the time we were able to love on the children. I took pictures, tossed a ball around with some of the little boys, sat on steps with a couple girls, those were the moments most valuable. Just letting them know you care even a little.
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One of the girls stole my heart. She was at the age when you get your boobs and period. It was obvious she was changing from young girl to young lady, and the in between had her in the middle of a hard transition. I remember being there too. She lingered between wanting to play and having to watch the younger kids. She was struggling with her body in ways I cant explain on this paper. We spent most the time just sitting together, talking. At first she was pushing me away even though she wanted me near. I took no offense and just let her take her time. By the end of our time with them she was hugging me, holding my hand, and wishing I wouldn’t leave her.
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Sitting in the van as we pulled away it took all my courage to fight the tears and be strong for the children. Most of them were crying, perhaps this was their best Christmas ever. Locking eyes with the young girl, both staring at each other as the distance between us grew, I was trying to put on that face that says, “you can do this, you will be okay, be brave”. I wanted so much to tell her I love her, that might all she needed for Christmas. I just want more time with them. With Kainoa I’ve learned that the moment he discovered I believe in him he has grown into this amazing child with a zest for life and eagerness to live. It would be an amazing thing to have enough time for those children to know someone believes in them. Christmas in Nicaragua has literally exposed all my weak spots, but it’s also put pieces of my life back together that I didn’t know were missing.









Night out with my Swiss Amigos.
And a VERY late night, maybe 2:30, with my Nico brother...
Feliz Navidad... and as BEAUTIFUL as this holiday and experience is, I would never trade it for all the beans and rice in Nicaragua. However, there is no place like home and my Kainoa is where my heart is...
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7 comments:

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

Feliz Navidad y dios te bendiga

Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said...

It's gotta be so hard to be away from Kainoa just now - those folks there are loving having you around though :-)

Coach Liz said...

What a beautiful story and what a wonderful gift for those children.

Merry Christmas!

Terrish B said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! Merry Christmas Bree!

Kelly said...

Thank you, Bree.

Oscarjet said...

Bree, tienes un corazon enorme !hace dias que estoy muy ocupado con muchas cosas y no he tenido tiempo de visitar tu blog.....cuanto que leer !! muy bien Nicaragua !! abrazos a todos los Nicos ! feliz navidad para Nicaragua y esos amigos y niños !!

Mel said...

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT...xoxox