Monday, June 28, 2010

Miss Potato Head in Idaho...

I'm sitting here with a little sadness about the race and a little hope knowing that there is always another one. It just never gets easy working for something, sacrificing, and believing only to come up short of the goal. So..... as they say, "only dead fish swim with the stream", I'm totally alive so I gotta pick up where I left off and swim against whatever it is.
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However, as I venture home Idaho sweet Idaho was unbelievable. Never would I have envisioned marking it on the map as one of my best and most favorite race places. Loved it all...especially the family that took me in. Rounds family, you all are beautiful in so many ways and even though the race went a little sour my days with you all were super sweet!
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As for the race... let's sum it up shortly as I would rather not relive it. Even before the start my head began to fill with each & every painful memory or comment given to me in my sport life. I'm talking the poop you want to scrape off your shoe when you step in dog $h!t. I found my home stay dad on the beach and he helped me wipe the tears and get my head at least attached to my body. The entire day it felt like I was Miss Potato head with all the parts of a face but nothing in my mind that made any sense at all. I know it wasn't a bonk because I was fueled and even wore a HR monitor...it was crap I chose to believe rather than the positive stuff I usually cling too.
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I love finishing what I start, no matter how it gets done. So I ventured out on the run and nearly 18 people spectating saw the tears and offered to walk with me, just to get me finished. In my mind I thought I don't need a 26.2 mile walk, I'm not even tired, I need to beat the battle field in my mind. So Coach and I have some work to do outside of physically training me, its time to face the demons in life & sport that I have been hiding behind a smile. Truly I appreciate all the support that is always lavished upon me, I'm beyond thankful...
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As for now... time to grab the hand of Kainoa and keep on moving forward. Another day, another race. And I'm even checking myself into some visits with a sports psychologist at home...because it doesnt matter if I have my manager, coach, sponsors, friends, and family believing... I have to believe too.
Across the ocean I go...
Malama Pono,
Bree

31 comments:

Jenna said...

Hey Bree - sorry you had such a rough time with your "crap" - if you recall - way back I told you that eventually you would find all the little pieces again and you would put them all back together BUT that it would be forever changed, it would never be like it was. Sometimes hiding the crap behind the smile is all part of holding it together long enough to get thru it - once you do - and you find yourself on the other side - it becomes evident that there are things inside of you that need some attention. I am not sure that ever goes away - but it can be managed. Like all that you attempt to do, I am sure that your creative mind will come up with a way that works for you (at IMC I left a "problem" that I was dealing with at the top of each hill I climbed - I would climb to the top and say okay I am leaving YOU here and then zip down the hill) and off into the sunny future you will fly :) Hugs!!

ironmomma.com said...

Oh sister.... I know what it's like to hide behind a smile. You even hope that if everyone else believes it, you will believe it too. And you feel guilty because you have a lot to smile about. So what gives? What gives is that this is called life. And life ain't all smiles and giggles. Life is a rollercoaster, it's not a catered event. We have to take the high, the low, the kicks, the huggs. Unfortunatley the kicks sting more and hurt more and take longer to get over.

Stay the course. Because when you do hit that high, you will see why you had to go through this!

Stef said...

Bree! Belief management is totally possible because this happens to everyone no matter what we do -- pro triathlete, new business starter/owner (that's me), we are confronted by those nasty beliefs that come up from the depths even when at the same time we have everything in the world to be thankful for.

That seems like a paradox but really it's not because every time we step up to a new level we have to face them -- or a new incarnation of them (they are very tricky).

It's OK, it's normal and it can be managed! No need to hide behind a smile all the time either -- doing that will only get you so far right. :-)

Here's to you inspiring people (ME) even through your pain. Take great care of yourself right now and always Bree!!

And Miles 2 Go said...

Bree,

I'm just a boy ultrarunner from Virginia -- not a studdette triathlete like yourself -- yet you motivate me with your stories and humor and marvelous creativity in ways that defy my imagination.

I am SURE that there are LOTS of others like me who tune in to your blog, who laugh with you and clip some of your phrases and put them on Twitter, and who cheer for you when you race, and -- maybe most important of all -- who are glad that you share what you share because it helps us smile, nod our heads in agreement and know that there is a bright, bright light shining somewhere in Hawaii that makes each of us feel a little better about ourselves and a lot better about this crazy thing that we call life.

I'm betting when you put most of the pieces together one day soon, the result will be SOMETHING to see.

And thanks x infinity for all that you share.

Marni said...

Bree-you made me tear up!
continue believing yourself and loving life and there will never be an "off" day. You are such an inspiration!

Furacán said...

+1
I dont speak english very well but the other comments say that i want to say.
You are special, go Bree go!!

triitagain said...

You are and continue to be an inspiration to this beginner. I have had a rough year in my personal life and I have cried through many runs. I know that you will find the missing piece and everything will fall into place.

Cheers,
Stacy

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

I hope it wasn't the yak....
(that's to hopefully get you smiling)

Seriously, I ran into this anonymous saying.... I hope it helps:

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

Caratunk Girl said...

Hey Bree-

I love the quote Bob left you with.

SO sorry about the crap. I hide behind my smile too, I get that.

Sometimes walls are there to remind us how badly we want something. I think when you bust through that wall, it is going to be something to see. I hope I am there.

Big giant hug coming your way from Maine.

Charisa said...

You have such a great heart Bree & you are going to look back on this journey some day and know how very strong you are. Hang in there!! Sending you Cali hugs

Jamie said...

Good call on the sports psych Bree. If they can get you to believe in yourself half as much as everyone else leaving comments here already does, you'll be unstoppable.

Libby said...

the soul searching is part of the journey to success! you may have needed this to happen to take the actions necessary for the coming breakthrough. as my friend sara calls it, you have to find your "why" and you will find it when you are honest with yourself :) we all know you have the heart of a champion and you have so many people to support you as you walk your journey of why.... hugs from FL!

Damie said...

This practically brought me to tears. Kisses from me, Roo, Caya, and Shelbs. You are awesome.

Mango said...

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

I totally know what you mean about having to deal with your mind and thoughts. Take care of your soul and your body will follow.

Rock on BREE!!!

-Mango

Sarah Giacomarra Schrader said...

Ditto to everything everyone has already said, especially 'And Miles 2 Go'. He is absolutely right. Yes, you inspire me to want to be a better athlete but more than that, you inspire me to be a better person. Corny, I know, but after reading your blog every day, I feel more grateful for my life. You've taught me to appreciate what I have and realize what I have is plenty...my kids, my husband, my health, a good job that I enjoy.
You will come out on the other side of this stronger and know what we all already do...you are a winner through and through. All the best Bree.

TriGirl Kate O said...

Sending love. Travel home safe and hug your boy, then all will be right with the world.

Dawn said...

Bree,
I am right there with all the other wonderful comments on here. Here's to you finding your path back to "you"... and moving forward on your beautiful journey. Figuring out all the pieces is the hardest part... but sounds like you're on the right path with going home and being with Kainoa to help you find your way.
I am a beginner triathlete, but a runner at heart. I know what it's like hiding behind a smile. I have much soul searching to do as well. But in the mean time, thanks for making me appreciate all that I have in my life and to be a better athlete and person (like Sarah GS said). Hope you know what an inspiration you are to others (and to strangers like me) who love listening to your journey and hope only for the best for you!
By the way, every time I listen to Israel K. I am inspired by your strength... somewhere over the rainbow is your belief! :) Hugs!

Bob Almighty said...

I have to say I echo with the other comments posted especially One hour Ironman's. You are such an icredibly talented athlete.Hang in there Chica one day you'll have it all together and all will be right with the world. The important thing with racing is to have fun. I still remember a pro who walked into body marking with a bikini asking for her AG on her calf, at Rev3 last year and then proceeded to ride every ride in the park. Hope your travels go well and the rest of your season is amazing and fun.

Bruce Stewart (施樸樂) (ブルース・スチュワート) said...

Earlier today while reading the Harvard Business Review, I was struck by a sentence that can be summed up by "Shape your job - don't let it shape you." Do the things (and races) you love, and don't let things like "qualifying" (to serve a system) become the be all and end all. You can only be yourself, and not any other person, even triathlete. You are an ambassador of the sport, and not another contestant who has to prove her worth.
Last week I had a cold and felt poorly like a retarded potatoe, so I can sense how you must have felt. I just could not function at all and stayed in bed. Isn't it spelt "potatoe" as on FB, or are Dan Qualye and I the only ones who are wrong?

t-odd said...

Hang in there! You know you're learning from every adventure - good and bad. You'll get this all figured out and look back at all the challenges you've overcome and smile - even more than you already do.

mauisurfchick said...

Well....you have a million pieces of wisdom here and all the love and support in the world. Myself, I crashed and burnt out last year and DNF-ed myself. Got off my bike and just did not, could not make myself run. I am always in the belief that if it isnt fun...dont do it, and at that moment I definately wasnt having any fun. It took the next 4 months of not training/racing and seasonal depression to come out the other side and realize there has to be a balance for me. I love this sport sooooo much, but I cannot swim/bike/run my way out of dealing with my life even though it is so easy to be distracted by such pretty, shiny things :) Anyway, that's just me....You....you got this one Rockstar....keep on keeping on and thanks for being your most honest and humble self.
Kerry :)

Nibbles said...

Your loyal readers believe in you!

Melissa said...

Safe travels home, Kainoa is there waiting for you with the best, most healing hugs for momma. Like someone else said earlier, you are an inspiration to many people, and part of that inspiration is knowing that you are human and have 'stuff' to work through.

You do have a beautiful smile :-)

Laura said...

Hugs to you Bree! I agree with what everyone has said on here as well. We believe and soon, you will believe again too.

Two quotes to leave you with that I always go to in hard times. The first is especially relevant to me right now and maybe will give you some comfort as well:

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer..." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

and this one:

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough." ~Randy Pausch, Carnegie Mellon, Last Lecture

Much love from Memphis Bree!!

CoachLiz said...

Hang in there Bree,

I want to give you permission to say "F--K IT!". Because sometimes you do need to say it. And then you need to do it on your terms. You have a fire deep within you just like a volcano and sometimes you have to let it erupt to show everyone your power and heat. Remember that the volcano not only destroys everything in it's path, but it makes the island bigger. The volcanic soil makes things grow and thrive.

You have the fire deep within you. Start your quest to find it and to let it grow.

Love you Mama! Big Hugs!

goSonja said...

Sometimes we can just be girls who smile despite our unsolved issues rather than girls who smile to hide our issues.

You are 100% right though. It doesn't matter what we think, what your sponsors think, what your family thinks. What YOU think and believe is what will dictate your strength. You know what to do mama.

Get to it and come back stronger, we will be here regardless.

Ordinarylife said...

Go kick something or stand at the ocean side and scream loudly. (just make sure nobody is watching or it might not be a sports psycologist they want you to see).

Allan said...

we love you bree!

Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said...

Big hugs Bree!

Kim said...

Races are just races, but what you do Bree is touch others.. every day, with all kinds of things you do.. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like all the time, effort, sacrifices etc. paid off.. I had a very similar situation this weekend and I let it beat me down for about two or three miles of Buffalo Springs 70.3... I walked.. and thought, and crumbed under the pressure of those same thoughts... when I finally let it all go.. God helped me run, and I got over myself. I have some demons to face too..and you'll face yours and be a better athlete because of it! I believe in you, and so do many others.. God Bless sista.

Samantha said...

Someone once said you can't believe anything that people say about you - that means the good or the bad. You know you're strong and what you're capable of - once you get your head right, you'll let go of that heavy baggage & you'll fly!! You have to believe in you most off all & know that we're all here to support you!