Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Smile.



Last Wednesday I took that picture, after swim practice.  I came home to that green ocean seaweed salad I love & decided to make tea to go with it. Masuders was making dinner, and the boys talking about football practice.  It was a good day.  One of my best runs of the season, I was overly tired after it so landed a nap.  Perfect.  Woke up to a poke bowl in the fridge, it was the best pre-swim fuel.  Swam...home to the seaweed salad, like I said.  Somewhere between rolling coconut balls for the next days workout and telling my dog to get off my feet, it all unraveled.  It has been a week and I still can't really understand it all, probably because your head & heart have a way of blocking things out that hurt more than you want to feel.  I just know after rolling the coconut balls but sometime before the dinner we never ate together, we decided that perhaps our love was meant to be better as friends. The only reason I'm even writing is because a sports psycologist told me it would get easier to handle if I let myself let it out.  That might even mean sitting on the side of the road during a bike ride if it makes me feel better.  I haven't done that and don't plan on it.  I worked so hard to be here, in this race.  It has been my dream for a long, long time.  But my bigger dream was and will always be, family.  So this is crushing me at the moment.  

Those close have said it's such bad timing near the race.  There really is no good timing to face a moment you never imagined, if you ask me.  Why did that tea bag quote have to say, "smile"?  I am trying to believe it has some silver lining, that just maybe like a storm, I can anticipate a rainbow.  Anyways, never been one to fake a moment, I cried today.  Us pros got the email needing us to put our spouse or family member to be our invite back into the pro VIP finish line area for all the after race fun, tears just poured.  My response was going to be Masuders.  For our 3 years together I always imagined the moment he was at the finish line with me and heading back as my special guest behind the finish line and into VIP.  He was my VIP in this life.  Who does a girl put now?  More tears.  And my shoes?  They arrived for the race. Like all races, Kainoas name on one and Masuders on the other...now I have one shoe with no name.  The list goes on...and that's reality.  

I'm wiping snot as I write this. Tears are blurring my vision so my Spelling might be bad.  I know, I know, be brave Bree.  So I am.  After the race I'll pick up my pieces and thank my sister & her family for taking care of me these days leading into the race.  I miss home.  I miss him.  But it's okay, we are still and will always be, friends.  Deep breath.


Training is easing up, speed work is picking up, and it really is a beautiful time to be in Kona.  That said, still so much to smile about. To appreciate. To feel wildly thankful for. And to be passionate about.  Yeah, I do still love my life, very much.  Perhaps a post is not entirely the best way to go about this part of my life, but we have to start somewhere and slamming some drinks at the bar is not my way, nor being mad and throwing something.  And hiding under covers is not an option for a girl that has to face an Ironman next weekend.  So with all hopes of holding myself together, I took the sport psycologists advice and decided to be me, use my words and get it out, let it out...

For now, he is still my favorite pair of brown eyes in the world and I am okay with that. Also, Ironman had nothing to do with this, so for all those that still feel miles & miles break families apart, no.  Not really.  I had support like never before & miles were never more important than making his coffee before I head to morning practice (you get the point). Dear God, I just hope it feels better soon.


One more thing...
Thank you Junko Sheilds, best sports massage in the state of Hawaii, for taking all my little wiggles, ouches, and sore parts and making them feel so much better this week.  If you are in town for Ironman and need a good rub down, see Junko at The Club in Kona, on Palani...you know, the only giant hill in the marathon :)


I feel better already, maybe there is truth in putting words down, they let the heart find a little healing or something.  And yeah, I could have just put them in my journal, oh I did.  But I also knew this was a good way to avoid hiding behind my smile during Ironman race week and expo when I am missing Masuders by my side during the hoopla & other moments.  I know he will still be cheering from somewhere and you better believe I will always be one of his biggest fans in this life, because you always adore a person who could save your smile on any given day. Okay, almost race week, I am nearly ready. Touch of healing happening as I write. xo

Night!
Bree




9 comments:

Dawn Pendergrass said...

I have read your blog for years without a single comment, but felt I was always on your ride. Thank you for being real and honest. From afar -- your life looks almost other-worldly -- living in paradise, wonderful son, living sport... It seems a charmed life. Today, my heart hurts for you. You are not alone. We have all been there. I know that words do not help diminish the pain, but the anticipation of pain from next weekend won't touch what you hold in your heart. Go kick some Ironman ASS! Thank you for sharing.

Sara said...

Another blog fan here. I want to give you a hug. So sorry, Bree, for your pain. That kind of pain is none like any other. Embrace it and learn from it...the strong ones do. You = Strong.

DigiSmart Parent said...

Ride the Wave Bree! As you say, everyone is still around and that's important. I'm sad you're sad but we're all cheering you on for next weekend. Take care H

gelmertri said...

Put Kainoa's name on both shoes. If I recall correctly, he was in your arms the first time you crossed the Kona finish line. And, he will always be at your finish lines.... race strong - you can hang with any pro there...

Tonya said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, yes so close to race day but at any time this is hard to deal with. I wish you speed and focus during the race, you have worked so hard for this. Too hard to let it be marred so focus on all the positives. And think about the new path/future that you have the opportunity to explore.

Julia Jones said...

Just wanted to leave a comment and say I am rooting for you - for whatever you want on the that Ironman course or in your life. Thank you for your beautiful writing.

msohno! said...

I'm cheering for you too Bree, in Ironman and in life. At the finish line - you will have so many of us with you!

Lucy Francis said...

Bree, I've just read your post and my first reaction is to want to give you a hug. I've come to the conclusion that love and partnerships are one of the most difficult things to get perfectly right in life. Each one of us are like irregular puzzle pieces trying to fin another piece that matches us. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Know that you are a wonderful person and from your blog you come across as being loving, well balanced, compassionate and caring. Somewhere on this earth (or right here on this beautiful island) is your other half of the orange...or shall i say mango? :-)
I've been married for over 20 years now andeven that is no guarantee as we've had so many ups and downs over the years. I've cried many tears so when I've read your post my heart goes out to you. Bree I'm on the island, if we don't see each other before/after the race I want you to know that I'm sending you positive energy for the race and for dealing with this moment.
Put Kainoa's name on both shoes and make him your VIP guest at the dinner my lovely

rosario808 said...

Bree
I'm a big fan of yours, from far, I always look for inspiration in your blog.I have similar struggles, Im a single mom, and dating is always a struggle,finding a balance between my personal goals, my training time, my daughter and love.
Embrace the uncertainty,always know that when one door closes God always opens a window. Let grief be a fuel to swim and run and bike. Transform that energy into something beautiful.
A huge hug from California.
Love is all around you and within you.
Rosario